A
GREAT DIVIDE. A GUIDE TO COPING WITH AN UNSPEAKABLE EVENT.
‘Death
comes to us all, my Lords, even to kings’ Sir Thomas More.
PROLOGUE
The notion that death is a part of life has to be the
ultimate contradiction in terms. Death is no more part of life than black is
part of white. Death is in fact the polar opposite of life and describes in a
word the final cessation of life.
The purpose of this script is to attempt to create a
greater understanding of death which in itself is as natural a phenomenon as
life itself although it’s cause is often most unnatural. In this article, the
reader may well find a few speculative answers to questions that have
confounded human kind since the beginning of philosophical thought, i.e.: is
there life after death, and if so, how is it? I most certainly have my own
thoughts on the subject and will be happy to share them with you, but since for
us all death comes as a first (and only) time experience, it is difficult if
not impossible to draw knowledge and experience from the event, other than that
that we learn from the passing of others. My suggestions and thoughts therefore,
must be taken in the context of one who hasn’t been there at all, like the
guidance of a travel agent who has never actually visited the country they are
selling, yet has much to say about it. The challenge is finding merit within
the text that suits you.
My goal is to prepare the reader for the ultimate
conclusion of life whether it is his own or that of someone close to him.
Coming to terms with death is always a difficult, traumatic and often confusing
time where rational thought gives way to emotion and therefore finds itself
(rational thought) relegated to the back burner or indeed tossed out of the
equation totally.
Be without doubt that by reading this, you are not
displaying some morbid curiosity about an unspeakable subject, but rather you are
taking the first step to self preparation as much as a well organized army
prepares for battle.
It may be appropriate at this time to quote a profound
piece of poetry penned by John Dunne called”
“DEATH
BE NOT PROUD”
Death,
be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty
and dreadful, for thou are not so;
For
those whom thou thinks’t thou dost overthrow
Die
not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From
rest and sleep, which by thy pictures be,
Much
pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And
soonest our best men will thee do go,
Rest
of their bones and souls delivery.
Thou
‘art slave to fate, chance kings and desperate men,
And
dost with poison, war and sickness dwell,
And
poppy’ or charms can make us sleep as well
And
better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?
One
short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And
death shall be no more; Death thou shalt die.
CHAPTER
1.
Death comes in many ways and guises and is not confined
to the aged. Often its arrival is unexpected and unprepared for, thus making the
acceptance of it that much more difficult to come to terms with, and to bear.
As is written in the Christian Bible under Matthew 25:13, ‘we know neither the
day nor the hour’.
WHAT IS DEATH
After years of
learning and much philosophical thought, this question, remains to some extent,
unanswered. Medically speaking there is little mystery. When the heart ceases
to pump for longer than about five minutes, and the brain ceases to produce
waves, death has occurred. Just to confound this rough definition, numerous
accounts exist of people ‘returning to life’ after a death-like state where all
organs had, apparently, ceased to function. Needless to say, establishing that
death has actually occurred is sometimes not the easiest task and should be
undertaken with very careful examination, preferably by a professional. For
those who follow western religions, they will tell you that death occurs when
the soul exits the body. Establishing that moment can be a challenge for
obvious reasons! Often you hear of ‘out of body’ experiences. I feel ill
qualified to delve into this other than to say that such reports are too
numerous to brush aside.
So, for the purposes of this narrative, let’s agree that
death is total when complete organ failure brought on by one or more conditions
both natural and/or unnatural occur. Illness, starvation, independent organ
failure, such as, a heart attack, a stroke, or simply bleeding uncontrollably
is all some examples of natural causes of death. An attack by a person or
animal, a bite by a disease carrying insect i.e.; malaria, a car accident, a
fall from a horse, or indeed by some self inflicted method, are some examples
of death by unnatural causes. Of course death can be brought on by a
combination of any of the above mentioned causes, i.e.: As a result of a car
accident, the shock caused a heart stoppage which resulted in death. Shock by
the way is one of the most misunderstood and most dangerous conditions man or
animal, and, even some plant species can find themselves in, and the result can
very often be fatal. By shock I refer not to the shock of Aunt Harriet seeing
her favorite niece in an ultra mini skirt, but rather the shock resulting from
some major trauma, accident or event. Some diseases are believed to be brought
on by shock. This phenomenon though real is not fully understood. The disease
it is assumed, lies dormant in the body and, under specific conditions excited
by shock amongst other things, manifests itself. The onset of diabetes for
example, is sometimes attributed to this as is shingles, although in these two
examples, death is not inevitable by a long shot. A friend of mine died
recently after receiving an unexpected body blow (shock), which led to Cardiac
Arrhythmia (not necessarily a fatal condition) which led to the immediate
cessation of heart activity. It is common cause that the loss of a good friend
or a relative can precipitate a pre-morbid cascade of emotions which may result
in the death of the responding individual. The feeling of helplessness and
hopelessness are the ‘hidden dragons’ that require St George’s lance the most.
CHAPTER
2
Those who accept death the easiest are religious people.
In fact the more religious you are, the easier time you are going to have whether
it is facing your own death or that of a loved one. The old war-time saying
that there are no atheists in fox holes is very true. The Japanese poet and
philosopher Haito once said, “You only live twice. Once when you are born, and
once when you look death in the face” It is the moment when we face this
ultimate fear, now a reality, that we grasp at any straw of hope that will
sustain our emotions at this most trying time. On a somewhat lighter note but
no less true, the theme song for the James Bond film, ‘You Only Live Twice’,
Leslie Briccusse who wrote the lyrics suggested that you only live twice, once
for yourself, and once for your dreams.
I am in awe of
religious people such as re-born Christians, orthodox and non-orthodox Jews,
devout Muslims etc etc who are in no doubt whatsoever that the next step beyond
life is a step into sheer nirvana. ‘He is now in a better place’ is the oft
made statement of one, in an attempt to console another. The reality of the
matter suggests that no one can say they are wrong, certainly not me. I have to
tell you that I have never met an agnostic or atheist facing death so how they
handle it is a mystery to me. In my opinion, we mortals need something on which
to emotionally grasp.
The view that there is ‘life’ in whatever form beyond
death is of course a great comfort to ‘believers’. Most religions speak of the
spiritual transition from mortal life through a series of stages to the
ultimate state of happiness or unbelievable torment. These states are called
heaven and hell. God the creator of all things resides in the former and of course
Lucifer languishes in his own infernal regions. Dante, in his ‘Divine Comedy’
makes graphic and daring references to the transition of the spirit, or soul,
on its course to Hades and later to Paradise. I couldn’t find ‘comedy’ in that!
Truth be told, that despite Dante’s take, I was always of the belief that Hades
was pretty much the end of the line – no return ticket! But who knows?! Dante
believed that hell was made up of nine concentric circles of torment – the
realm of those who have rejected spiritual values and pursued any number of
‘hellish’ sins. I really don’t know, but it sounds pretty ‘off putting’.
A cynic once suggested to me that being in the company of
an ‘over’ religious person, especially in a car for example, has its own unique
‘worrisome’ circumstances. He suggested that should they be involved in an
accident, and he should be critically injured, his passenger, instead of
calling 911, might throw themselves prostrate on the ground and loudly praise
the Lord for His mercy and the certain salvation that is about to befall him as
he is transposed from ‘here’ to ‘there’. I think that is a little too far-
fetched even for my over active imagination!
I am reminded of the story of two Irish soldiers sitting
in a foxhole during the war, bored out of their minds. The one turned to the
other and said, “Shamus, would you rather be shot or blown up?” “Stop talkin’
like that Dougal it’s morbid!” answered Shamus. “I am just askin’ ya
hypothetically, would ya not consider the question?” retorted Dougal. “
Alright” said Shamus, “I’d rather be shot”. “Why do ya say that?” asked Dougal.
“Well if you are shot, there you are, if you are blown up, where the hell are
ya?’
It is a strange yet common failing in the character of Man
that it would seem that we would rather watch a loved one bed ridden in a
vegetative state and/or in terrible unimaginable discomfort, than have him die
with a little help. An extreme example of this is the case of ex-premier of
Israel, Ariel Sharon who was in a coma for eight years. Wishing death on
someone close to us is almost unthinkable and morally unacceptable despite
their permanent state of total incapacity. I will not be drawn into the subject
of the moralities of euthanasia, but you do see where this is going! ‘Oh that I have slipped the surely bonds of
earth, and danced the sky on laughter silvered wings’. John Magee. I
personally believe that Dr. Jack Kevorkian was a saint, given the people he
helped pass on when all else was lost. In the total absence of comfort, dignity
and hope one can only muse as to wisdom and empathy of the good doctor.
The inevitable conclusion of our life is what we fear
most. For some of us, that fear is so overwhelming that much of the latter part
of our lives is spent not enjoying the moments that life has to offer and
savoring that time that is left, but in abject fear of that event which becomes
so totally absorbing that life simply slips by. Some kind of morbid irony me
thinks.
CHAPTER
3
COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A CHILD
One of the worst examples of death that a person may have
to deal with is the passing of one’s child. However ‘natural’ the cause may or
may not have been this is always too bitter a pill to swallow. In the normal
course of events, a parent never expects to bury a child. This, in the grand
scheme of things is in itself, unnatural.
The death of a child is either expected or unexpected. If
it was expected, perhaps the child had succumbed to a condition with fatal
consequences. It could be argued that in this case, the parents are to some
degree ‘lucky’ that they had time to prepare, and possibly to say goodbye. This
type of scenario in my experience does not make the situation much easier, but
perhaps it helps in the process of closure. On the flip side, one might
suggest, it makes it more difficult as you see it coming and the longer you
have to wait out the inevitable the worse it is. Every parent expects to see
their child grow, mature and if lucky, see them start their own family. Out-
living your own child is so against ones expectations, and, one may say, the
law of nature, that some parents never recover. In many cases parents may well
appear to have made peace with their loss after a period of time, but one would
do well to be aware, and be sensitive to the fact that inside, they never ever
fully come to terms with it.
Generally speaking, in pretty much every case of a child
passing, the parents ask the question, ‘why?’ Those of reasonably sound
religious convictions ask of God why he would take an innocent child to whom He
granted life, and now inexplicably, takes it away. The event of the death of a
child can be so unnerving for parents that no matter how religious they may be,
the event turns them away from their beliefs. As no answer is readily
forthcoming, the question is continually asked forever. To some strongly
religious folk, a more philosophical approach is often taken where, after the
initial shock and resultant grief, a general acceptance seems to occur under
the banner of ‘It was God’s will’. To those not of deep religious beliefs, a
feeling of being robbed and cheated are emotions that come through as well as an
overwhelming feeling of being singled out to endure life’s worst curse, being
the emotional suffering that will follow. Some people even ask themselves if
they, the survivors, have been punished for some prior wrong they may have
committed and are now in life, facing their purgatory. There are many examples
where the death of a child has resulted in the destruction of a marriage and,
as a result, the destruction of the remaining family by that collateral damage.
Dealing with parents who have suffered
so terrible a loss isn’t easy and is indeed traumatic even to those attempting
to offer a quantum of solace. In some cases the least said the better. Your
simply being there is of far greater value than the spoken word. Often, to the
traumatized and over sensitized parent a kind word is often taken out of
context and is misconstrued. “You know Bob, it was probably the best thing, as
little Johnny was suffering so much”. Such a statement can excite unexpected
negative and over emotional responses, even anger. The very worst thing you can
do is to avoid the subject in the misguided belief that by alluding to the
child you excite fresh grief. Herein lies the rub. If you were to say something
like, ‘I was thinking of little Johnny to-day, and remembered his lovely smile
when I used to push him on the swings’, may well result in a flood of tears, no
doubt about it, but at the same time, knowing that you remember and are
thinking of the child is emotional gold to the poor parent. So often, well
meaning friends and relatives in a noble effort to encourage high spirits and a
drop of temporary amnesia, neglect to ever mention the passing of the child
resulting in the parents coming to the irrational conclusion that everyone has
forgotten, “and that’s how much they really cared”. Don’t avoid the subject,
and if raised, go with it. Talking in this case is the best healer, but allow
your talking to be the stimulus to get them talking, then revert to listener
mode.
To help matters even more, as a friend or family member,
diarize the birth date and death date of the child and make a point of
remembering these events by telling the parents for years to come that you
remember and care. The one thing that parents fear the most is that everyone
will soon forget, move on with their lives and leave them to suffer alone.
Regrettably, by human nature, the bereaved find it hard to accept that people
do move on, and not out of selfishness or heartlessness.
Another aspect of the untimely passing of a child is the
emotions of the siblings and friends left behind. For them this tragedy is
often more than they are able to cope. Often we comfort ourselves, and avoid
the issue with the belief that ‘they are too young to understand’. They
understand enough to know their friend or sibling is gone forever and wonder
why. Dealing with children traumatized by death requires oodles of patience and
emotional tolerance. Children must be gently spoken to and consoled. In circles
where religion at whatever level exists, the death of a child can be attributed
to ‘Jesus (or God) needed him’. Using statements like, ‘He will always be with
you in your heart and memory’ helps. I particularly like using the method of encouraging
the child to ‘talk’ to the deceased at evening prayer time or at any other
appropriate time of quiet and peace. If it is possible, a little toy of the
deceased child given to a sibling or close friend is often of great comfort.
Using the phrase, “Johnny, wanted you to have this”, means in some way that
Johnny lives on in the toy in some kind of ethereal way. Sometimes just talking
in a light hearted way about good times had between the departed and the bereaved
is therapeutic and excites happy thoughts. In the final analysis a long hug and
whispered words of love and support remain the finest therapy for man, woman
and child.
Perhaps under this heading one should consider the mother
(in particular) who suffers the tragedy of a ‘stillborn child’ or for whatever
reason, miscarries. For a man, and here I refer to the father of the child,
there is often a feeling of relief as opposed to grief, though I have to state
here that this is a generalization. As generalizations are normally inaccurate,
it follows that this statement is equally so. Having said that, often the
relief is real in the belief rightly or wrongly that had the child been born
there may have been a problem with lifelong consequences. Indeed, if grief is
the dominant emotion, then he would fall into the same category as the mother.
Most often, mothers who have ‘lost’ their babies in this manner, don’t get the
understanding and recognition they deserve. They have after all, lost a child.
Added to that trauma, they never even get the chance to hold the child and see
it for the human being it is/was. Family and friends play a crucial role here.
It is easy to pass this over as a grave misfortune and move on in the belief
that, well, they can try again. Human production is not a sausage machine that
you turn on and off. A life is a life and that’s the truth. On this subject I
did consult my old friend, Fr. Gavin lock who suggested to me that for a parent
or parents to actually ‘name’ the departed child helps an awful lot in (a)
humanizing it and (b) actually achieving closure. Closure is actually in
practically all cases, the last word in beginning the termination of grief.
Grief is in itself an elixir, if you will, of life in that it is the ultimate
release from an emotion that may, if left unchecked or uncontrolled, be all
consuming and ultimately toxic – a la Miss Haversham of ‘Great Expectations’, Charles Dickens. Again on this subject,
one can hardly not make passing mention of abortion and the effect that has on
the mother. This is however an area of such deep complexity that I hesitate to
wonder into that which is a subject all on its own – and deservedly so. Suffice
to say that whatever the reasons for an abortion, there is hardly a case where
damage of some kind is done in the mental arena of the mother no matter why she
may have elected to undertake this course of action. Obviously I refer not to
medical abortions brought about by a condition or situation that prescribes
this radical procedure. All I can add on this score is that for a woman, even
an apparent willing participant in the abortion, friends and family should not
underestimate the trauma associated with it and as a result, offer meaningful
and gentle support, perhaps putting on the back burner your own beliefs on this
contentious subject and instead focusing on the person taking the strain, all
as a result of reasons that perhaps you will never fully comprehend, is the
kindest and most positive thing you can do. Being judgmental after the fact
serves no purpose and will produce no different ‘end’ result.
CHAPTER 4
COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A PARENT
Assuming you have enjoyed a reasonably happy relationship
with a parent, the passing of that parent is terribly sad to the point of being
emotionally shattering. Although the death of a parent is regarded as natural
and normal, the void left is very tough to bear. A parent is the last link
between your past and your present, and is your last truly unconditional
friend. The emptiness one experiences after the death of a parent is hard to
describe. The good parents, the ones that perhaps you aspire to be yourself,
are the ones that put their own life eternally secondary to yours. Whether or
not that fact ever really sunk home during your life is immaterial to the fact
that when (and if) you are faced with a dying parent, that reality tends to
strike your psyche now with great force.
I was, I believe fortunate that I was with both my
parents at the time of their deaths. I cannot over emphasize how important this
was to me. Naturally, one cannot always control such co-ordination, in fact it
is almost if not entirely, impossible. Being an ‘only’ child, it seemed the
most natural thing to be present. In the case of my Father’s death, I was
there, appropriately with my Mother. It seemed so right that the three of us
were to-gether at this momentous and most profound occasion. When my Mother
died, I was there quietly on my own, with her, listening to her regular shallow
breathing and just holding her hand. A moment before death, she turned to look
at me, smiled and closed her eyes for the last time. That small gesture from
her at this MY time of need cannot be measured and indeed represented her final
gift to me.
As a person of some if only limited religious beliefs, I
had to wonder as I sat in that room with a warm sun shining in though the
windows if at that critical last moment of my Mother’s life, was it at all
possible that my Father and other family members long deceased were crowding
the room beckoning her to finally let go and go to join them. I would have
thrilled to know that that occurred, and as much as I tell myself that that
must have been the case, I guess I will never know. The point is that that
could well have been the case, so I choose to believe it and I get solace from
it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with blind faith, in fact I thrive on it
and strongly believe it should be encouraged.
One of the burdens children often carry after the death
of a parent is a terrible feeling of guilt that they had not done enough for
that parent, and/or had not shown enough love physically and by the spoken
word. I can only say to those that are currently experiencing those feelings,
that they are human, and as such have human failings and frailties. If you
believe in some form of after life, be assured your parent knows now how you
really felt and wishes that you pass the mantle of guilt and get on with your
life at peace with yourself. If you do not have that belief, then revert to
what I said before – you are human – something you need not apologize for. Let
the guilt pass, and get on with the task of living. Perhaps this is a good time
to suggest to those yet to experience the passing of a parent or someone really
close, to take the opportunities to express love, affection, appreciation and
respect during life. In so doing, you have bonded so deeply that regret will
never be part of your grief.
The thing one fears most when looking on at a dying
person is the idea of loneliness that you suspect that person may now have to
face. It is indeed a strange feeling that you can link the finality of death
with an emotion of loneliness. Stranger too is the fact that at that particular
time you are more fearful of the loneliness and well being of the departed then
your own. A common emotion is the fear that the departed will be cold in the
grave, and that is often hard to come to terms with. Strangely enough, in the
Catholic Church, a Pope is buried in three caskets, one of Cypress, one of lead
to keep out the damp and that will also carry his death certificate, and
finally one of Elm, so that on the face of it, he is buried like other men in a
simple wooden box. His body, dressed in full pontifical’s, is covered with an
Ermine blanket to keep him warm in the crypt with a purple veil is across his
face. These are rituals, of course, and are designed more for the benefit of
the living then the dead. It does however illustrate the desperate need people
have to know that they have done the right thing.
So how do you prepare for the death of someone close to you?
In a perfect world, preparation really starts from the time your relationship
with that person shapes up. The bonding process of two people at whatever level
develops to a point where genuine care exists mutually between the two people.
This level of care can evolve to variable depths of affection and love. It is a
natural human trait that despite these relationships, we do not always cherish
our relationships and commit the mortal crime of taking the other for granted.
Such actions put strain on the outer surface of a relationship but, in my
experience, it takes a lot to destroy it altogether. The secret of sustaining
relationships is being able to take Mr. Pride (The Big Papa of most problems),
and put him aside. Back-tracking and apologizing is the route to healing
confrontations. Getting relationships back on track is critically important.
This ‘dealing with death’ manual is not a relationship guide, but like it or
not, the two are intricately related. The saddest and most tragic scenario is
when the two participants in a life/death situation have issues unresolved.
Feelings of regret is the lifelong curse of the living who mismanaged
opportunities to ‘make right’ or indeed for the person facing death not to
accept positive overtures thus effectively damning the survivor to the curse of
lifelong regrets and emotional trauma. Death, like it or not, is about the
living.
So in preparation for the ‘end’, understand that that
should not be your sole concern in life. Living and more importantly enjoying living
must always be your prime concern. It is an interesting fact that written in
the American Constitution is your fundamental and inalienable right to pursue
happiness. Developing relationships, nurturing friendships are steps to take
that will benefit in life as well as death. In the midst of all the emotion,
the tears and the anguish, there is nothing grander than being able to tell
‘Bob’ in his final hours what a friend he has been, what an impact he has had
on your life, how you will miss him and how he shall always remain part of you
forever.
I spoke earlier of my Mother’s death and how I was fortuitously
there for the event. My everlasting regret is that in the months running up to
her death, where I was well aware that her recovery was impossible and that
death was a short time away, I never actually engaged her on that subject for
fear of upsetting her, and make no mistake, fear of upsetting myself. She had
terminal cancer and I did my best to keep that truth from her. The doctor on
the other hand, felt she had a right to know, and unbeknownst to me, correctly,
told her. She didn’t want to upset me by discussing it, believing I was unaware
of her true condition so we both avoided the subject. Another regret. It would
have given her immeasurable strength to have had the opportunity to talk to me
quietly about her condition and the prognosis. She would have taken great
solace from conversations with me regarding how I felt I was going to handle it
and it would have been nothing short of therapeutic if we both took time to cry
to-gether in so doing expressing to each other our deepest love and feelings.
I cannot stress enough the importance of gently tackling
the subjects at hand and not to fear the inevitable expressions of grief, for
grief is a therapy.
The last senses to go as death engages is hearing and
touch. If you are fortunate enough to be with a loved one during their last
moments, hold that person in whichever way is comfortable for you both, be it
holding hands, gently hugging etc. Importantly, talk quietly to that person,
telling him who you are and why it is important to you to be there and other
words of endearment that will go such a long way to helping that person feel
their way through a frightening time. You would be surprised to know how much
gets through. After the moment that life expires, often the person’s eyes
and/or mouth remain open. It is a simple and dignified act to close the eyes
merely by lightly ‘brushing’ them closed with a cupped hand and gently lifting
the bottom jaw to meet the top one.
CHAPTER
5
THE LAST RIGHTS
This is in the main symbolic, practiced in many religions
whereby the dying person is given a final absolution from sin and is
accordingly commended into the hereafter with a clear soul. These rights differ
greatly from religion to religion, so much so that it is not something that needs
to be extrapolated here. Suffice to say that ideally, in Christian circles, the
Last Rights should be administered by a Priest or ordained Minister of Religion
prior to death. During this very brief ceremony if you will, the Vicar will ask
the dying person if he accepts Jesus as his savior, and if he repents for his
sins. It is often the case that the dying person is unable to respond, in which
case the Vicar will do it for him. The soul of the person, cleansed of sin is
commended unto God. This ritual is very obviously a very personal thing and
depends on the religious bent of the dying person, and the family. It is
important to note that for families who desire the giving of the Last Rights to
a dying loved one, in the event the Priest arrives late finding the person
already passed, the Last Rights can still be given. The Jews have something
related as well called the mourners ‘Kaddish’ and is practiced on the
anniversary of a parent or a loved ones anniversary of death called ‘yahrzeit’.
These practices, whatever they are, simply put, are a form of deep respect
expressed in whatever manner, to those who have passed.
CHAPTER
6
COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE
This is a hugely difficult time for the survivor at
various levels. Firstly the vacuum left by the departed spouse is often too
emotionally difficult or even technically difficult to fill. Emotionally, if
you have been together a long time, your co-dependence and mutual reliance on
each other for company, general assistance, support etc etc, may result in a
final separation being extremely painful.
In the final analysis however, the simple loss of a
partner is for many just too much as they have, as the saying goes, become
attached at the hip. How often do we hear of a surviving partner seemingly
inexplicably passing on not long after the death of the other?
For those who manage to get over the ordeal and the
trauma of a partner loss, one often finds two general categories of person. The
first is the kind that appears to have no desire to re-attach to anyone again,
and the other appears to be on the hunt hardly a moment after the cooling of
the body of the deceased partner.
The first category person is generally someone who has
become so used to their original spouse that they either feel no-one is
qualified to fill the void, or that having someone step into those shoes so to
speak would suggest the ultimate betrayal. Very often the surviving partner
lacks confidence firstly in his ability to attract a new partner and secondly
his ability to court. A hugely inhibiting factor in a person’s lack of
motivation to find a new partner is the age old territorial syndrome where a
person feels that a new arrival in the home is an invasion to a sacrosanct
environment. Another inhibiting factor for a person to seek new company is
family pressure where the family feels that finding a new partner would be
inappropriate, and rather than create a family rift, he continues on his own.
This is a very common and regrettable situation which is terribly destructive
to a person’s life. So often children object strongly to a parent becoming
attached to someone new on the grounds that ‘that person will never be my
mother’, or ‘she’s after you to claim your affections and our inheritance’.
It is imperative that a parent keeps lines of
communication open with children and to patiently explain the role of a
possible new partner. Family politics are difficult at the best of times, such
complications can seem often insurmountable and regrettably, children can be
cruel, unfeeling, insensitive and lacking in understanding.
The older you are, the more set in your ways you are.
Establishing a deep relationship with a new person is difficult, as chances
are, that person is as set in her ways as you are. It is further true to say
that the older you are, the more ‘baggage’ you carry in oddities and quirks,
most of which you don’t even know you carry. The same applies to the other. It
is imperative that time is considered by both parties to be of no consequence
as that’s what you need in abundance to get the feel for each other, ( in more
ways than one).
To identify all the reasons why a person would baulk at
the idea of chasing up a new partner would be an impossible task and not really
relevant here. Suffice to say that under the heading of ‘coping’, the afore
mentioned are some of the problems.
At the other end of the line is the person who just can’t
live alone and goes wildly on the hunt as soon as it is decently or even
indecently possible. This is generally a dangerous state of mind brought on by
a host of emotional scenarios. A lack of confidence in oneself is very often a
cattle prod in the rear to go a hunting in a bid to prove you can, or on the
other hand there is an abundance of confidence just bursting out and raring’ to
go. Some people lack the confidence not so much in their ability to land a
catch as it were but in an inherent fear of living alone. So often this person
is the most vulnerable. He will act hastily and irrationally pledging love at
every turn generally spicing such pledges with monetary reward. This chapter
applies as much to bereaved spouses as it does to divorced people. To families
the over anxious and over zealous person poses a huge threat to the family
fabric as most often they (the family) see the situation from the outside in
far clearer fashion than from the inside.
Obviously, the desire and need to find a new partner is
so personal that one can hardly comment with any accuracy or detail without far
more personal knowledge and even then it’s hardly really possible. Important
though to realize, that whatever one does impacts on another and although it is
your life, it really amounts to how you go about things. I am reminded by an
age old child statement generally made in temper or tantrum, “It’s my life”.
Nothing riles me more than those ignorant words. It is “your life” when every
single member of your family, close or extended, is dead, when every friend and
acquaintance is equally history, and you are totally and completely alone. At
this point, your actions or lack of them have no possibility of impacting on
anyone. Then it’s your life!
What is critically important is that should you find a
new life partner, that you always openly and freely ‘remember’ your first
dearly departed with your children particularly at special times. Openly
discussing your deceased partner with your family regularly is therapeutic and
constructive to all concerned, not the least of which, yourself. Your new
partner should be sensitive and understanding to this. By being so, she gains
no end of ‘brownie’ points from an inherently suspicious or apprehensive
family.
CHAPTER
7.
COPING WITH CLOSE FRIENDS OR RELATIVES WHO HAVE RECENTLY
EXPERIENCED A DEATH IN THEIR CIRCLE.
For most of us, faced with the passing of someone close
to us, is a nagging feeling of not having done enough for that person through
life as well as during the process of death. These feelings are perfectly
normal. As much as that person needs to remind himself of that what he did do
for that person, as much as he needs to remind himself that he is in fact human
as well and may have stumbled along the way.
So often the feelings of inadequacy that inhibit logical
and coherent thought that follow the death of someone close stunt the healing
process that needs to begin. What that person needs most is a kind and
encouraging word where his fears, founded or unfounded are allayed by someone
close. We all need to be told that we are ‘good people’ from time to time and
no more so then at this emotional juncture. No man is an island despite the
heroic thoughts of some. Al Capone the infamous gangster once said that you
will get further with a kind word and a gun than just a kind word. Well perhaps
in the streets of Chicago during the prohibition, but certainly not to-day amongst
loved ones. The ‘gun’ using the Capone analogy might be an urge to utter
certain truths to bereaved in the belief that they need to fess up to the truth
in order to accept their status quo. I disagree. What is wrong with being kind,
sensitive, caring and supportive? The living, despite the sins of the past, if
indeed they do exist, have to live on, and the primary role of the living is to
live as long as possible as happy as possible and in so doing bring happiness
to others….. Period.
Probably the most commonly made statement made after the
death of a person by close friends, relatives etc, is, “If there is anything I
can do….” Avoid such shallow meaningless statements like the plague. Firstly,
everyone says it, and secondly…….well secondly, what the hell do you expect the
recipient of your pledge to say, other than, “Thank you”. Do something(s)
without being asked. Prepare a meal, and deliver it. Have the person over for a
meal to your place. Phone and offer help, transport something tangible. Include
that person from time to time in an appropriate social engagement….etc, etc.
CHAPTER
8
COPING WITH DEATH BY SUICIDE
A person who successfully takes his own life is the
ultimate example of an unnatural death. Such people are often branded cowards
and are vilified for their action. I can tell you that whatever the circumstances
were that led to so drastic an action, the act of suicide requires courage
beyond the scope of our understanding. Furthermore, the torment that led to
that action must have been torturous beyond description. It matters not that on
the face of it, whatever personal trauma or grief that person was experiencing,
you might be of the opinion that the problem may have been handled differently,
the truth remains that the burden became, to that individual, too much to bear.
A common cause of suicide is depression. I will not delve
into so complex a condition, however one has to understand that depression is
one of the ‘darkest’ places a human being can find themselves. For many, a
depressive state results in the person plunging into a life of total, and I
mean total solitude. The very thought of a visitor, the Television or any other
form of distraction is stressful and only appears to exacerbate the problem.
Friends urging such people to ‘get out and socialize, it will do you a world of
good’, serves only to encourage the desire for more seclusion. The sad thing
is, most often, depression, which comes in many forms, is not easily identified
either by the patient themselves, or even the closest of family and friends.
This prevents early treatment by a professional. It follows that when
depression is suspected, professional help should be sought without delay.
The real pain of a suicide lies within the surviving
family circle. There is a stigma attached, and there are silent accusations
bandied about by ‘friends’, family and acquaintances. The closest people to the
deceased find themselves embarrassed beyond words over and above their intense
grief and shock. Compounding this is the strong possibility that the surviving
close family or even the spouse on her own, must continue to ‘carry’ the load
that led to the suicide in the first place. An example of this may well be that
the suicide was as a result of insurmountable financial debt. The spouse may
well have to carry that burden on her own. Spare a special thought for the
survivor of such an event and do something concrete and pro-active to provide
light at the end of a dark and dismal tunnel.
CHAPTER
9
COPING WITH DEATH BY MURDER
This in my opinion is the worst scenario family and
friends have to face. A hale and hearty person is killed by the barbarous act
of another. Too often in this day and age, murder is not confined to adults,
but to children as well, not to mention the old and infirm. Whoever it is that
succumbs to such brutality, the result is too terrible to contemplate. True
shock of lifelong residual effect will remain the hallmark of the survivor’s
lives. In short their lives will never ever be the same again. It is
particularly difficult to console those close to the victim of murder, (worse
still, victim’s of multiple murders). There is little one can say, nothing one
can change. It is here that the supportive role of survivors is essential, in
every possible way. The feeling of hopelessness, despair, loss, anguish, and
total devastation leaves people in states of complete inability to function at
all. This is where friends and family need to show their true mettle and
humanity and takeover in every possible way – but slowly, gently, thoughtfully,
quietly and in a nurturing manner.
Particularly difficult during the aftermath of a violent
crime that leads to murder, is the police questioning and the later court case.
This is where support is critical. The winding of affairs, and settling of
matters pending may also require professional attention. Again, someone close
to the bereaved needs to take charge.
CHAPTER
10
COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A PET
I have left this very special chapter for now as it deals
with an understandably very emotive issue. First of all, it is fair to say that
there are pets, and pets. A Gold Fish is a pet, but one that does not normally
attract quite the same emotion as a dog, for example. This is not to say that a
child in particular may not grow very close to his fish, but merely as an
example and in the interests of clarity let us accept that all pets attract
various levels of emotion and indeed love, but for this narrative, lets stick
to ‘man’s best friend’, a dog. To some, a dog is a dog. He pretty much lies
around, does little other than show excitement at the prospect of a walk or
food. To many however, a dog is a friend, almost to the point of superseding
friendships that one has with fellow humans. This of course does not suggest
that one does not hold one’s human friendships at the highest level, but it
does mean that your association with your dog has become almost all
encompassing. This phenomena, if you wish to consider it as such, rides on a
different level and sees its greatest expression among folk that are intrinsically
lonely, even for relatively short periods. This situation increases directly
proportionately to the length of time one is lonely. A dog fills a very
necessary gap. There is no doubt that a dog after a relatively short period of
time, becomes attentive and connected to their owner to a point where he can
‘read’ emotions and react to them. Dogs are able to take the place as it were
of a human, often to a greater extent. This is because a dog has no time lines,
no other responsibilities, no other priorities and in short, at no time, needs
to be anywhere else. To this end, and given the adoring unconditional love a
dog has to share in great abundance, it is difficult not to come to conclusion
that under these circumstances, a dog is indeed a treasured member of a close
family, and in some cases, the only family a person may have all the time or
the bulk of the time.
The death or worse, the run-up to a dog’s death is highly
charged emotionally speaking. Only too often, an owner has to take the decision
to end their friend’s life. This is no less devastating then ‘pulling the plug’
on a close friend or relative. The dog doesn’t understand the issue but is in
great distress. The owner grapples with the emotions of swinging between the
best interests of the dog and the best interests of themselves. In this case a
Vet who is possibly also emotional at this terrible time, must try to guide an
owner in their decision making. Euthanizing a pet is the toughest task you are
ever going to do, assuming your relationship with that dog is as I have
described.
Obviously the watch phrase is “ what is best for the
dog”. But, easier said than done. What you have to know is that like humans,
when the animal passes, he is gone. No further suffering exists on his side,
it’s all up to you now to work through what will become one of the most
profound changes in your life, starting from the moment you walk back into your
home – alone!
Shaking off feelings of guilt (perhaps I didn’t do
enough), feelings of loss (what’ll I do without him now) and the clear evidence
of his presence in the house, not to mention the images of his existence in the
form of his habits, idiosyncrasies, smells, etc will be around for a long time
and will naturally stimulate the terrible feeling of loss, loneliness and
longing that will be hard to shake off. Perhaps the worst of it is that most
people, even those reasonably close to you, will never fully understand the
void left in your heart at this time – ‘get another dog’ is the common
response.
On the subject of getting another dog, I urge you the
bereaved to perhaps take heed of some sage advice in this regard. Do not ‘jump
the gun’. First off, another dog will not be a re-incarnation of the friend you
have just lost. That dog will be as individual as the first, and, very
different. Consider your position. People who are on the wrong side of 60 years
of age, are caught in a very tricky situation. If they got a puppy, the fact of
the matter is that that dog could out live them. What would become of your dog?
If you got an older dog, there is a chance that that dog comes with unknown
‘baggage’ and may be too difficult to either manage or adapt to – and this
includes health issues. Then there is the biggest conundrum of all. As an older
person, possibly your need for a companion is at its greatest, but your ability
to care for that companion may be at its lowest ebb. Furthermore, unless you
have reliable and willing friends and/or family, a dog like it or not, robs you
of a certain amount of your freedom as you find yourself more and more confined
to barracks. Getting another animal requires some very deep self- examination
and soul searching – and all times, bear in mind not only you, but the dog as
well.
CHAPTER
11
‘LIFE’ AFTER DEATH.
So what exists across the great divide of life and death?
What lies on ‘the other side’? What can we expect after our eyes close for the
last time? This is the question that has mystified humanity throughout the
ages.
As I have said before, to the religious among us, blind
faith, (which I have no problem with) lays the road map clearly before us. For
many of us the question of the afterlife remains open ended. I have to say at
the onset that you pretty much have to make your own mind up on that but I may
be so bold as to offer some thoughts of my own.
Although I have something of a religious bent, I do not
necessarily follow the Christian Bibles teachings literally and to the letter.
I believe that the Bible as we know it, translated from the ancient Aramaic and
to some extent ancient Greek, represent the teachings of Christ either from his
mouth directly or through his representatives, the Apostles. These teachings
were directed for the understanding of simple people by simple people and
therefore in that context, they are written in the form of stories. In many
cases, they are interpretations.
The Bible and the Torah are the most amazing books of
rules ever written not only because they preach compassion, kindness, respect,
dignity and the love of your fellow man, but because they are open to
interpretation. The very fact that these Books are so pliable helps us to
‘manage’ the words into an ever changing world. Man is the most unique (not
necessarily the best) object in Creation. No single philosophy can possibly be
adequate for everyone on this Earth, so therefore the flexibility of the Bible,
and flexible it surely is, bears testament (no pun intended) to the genius of its
scribes. The Bible enables the reader to interpret the ‘message’ in a way to suit
his own way of going without losing the fundamental path of the teachings therein.
You simply couldn’t dream up that stuff.
The afterlife as described by the Bible is the Heaven and
Hell scenario with a dash of Purgatory and/or Limbo thrown in, offering some
back door as it were to the sinner on his road to everlasting joy and comfort
with God. I believe that life as an entity is energy. If you boil down life you
are left with an energy that cannot be quashed. Energy in all its forms
continues at different levels forever. I do believe that there is an afterlife
in the form of energy. I do believe that the departed slip into the next
dimension over time in an ethereal form and continue on, not as lost souls but
indeed as souls fully at peace in a great becoming in God however you conceive
Him to be.
I am not sure what to make of the John Edwards’s of this
world who seem so easily to communicate with those who have past, but I do know
that mental communication however one sided it may seem to be is never wasted,
and sometimes a reply is forthcoming in an indirect and unexpected way that
excites us to believe that perhaps, just perhaps, that it was significant and
therefore real.
I must emphasize, to us who remain behind that becoming
obsessed with loved ones gone is neither good nor healthy. Like everything in
this world, there is a time for everything. Allowing your thoughts and memories
to wonder from time to time to those people, to the good times and occasionally
the bad is healthy and good. Don’t let these things control your life. You have
to make decisions that you believe are good for you. Too often I see folk try
to direct their lives according to what they believe some departed person would
have wanted, forgetting that that person may well have modified their thinking
to suit the changing times, and, in any event, you are duty bound by the law of
Nature and by Gods law to make your own way. This is critically important to
remember.
CHAPTER
11.
MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS
The greatest gift a loved one now past can leave you is
happy memories. It is a fear of many that time will eventually dull these
memories and that that person will fade from your consciousness forever, and in
conflict with that fear, you work desperately hard to keep emotions alive. The
answer is, that that is the wrong approach. I can assure you that the memories
will never ever fade, and in fact as time passes the happy times will emerge
victorious in your mind. Always remember that in the final analysis, life is
for the living.
In dealing with memories, let me add that it is fairly
common practice for people to adorn their homes with photographs of persons
passed. This is fine. I for one have come to the conclusion that photograph
albums are generally a waste as one never ever seems to look back on them. I do
however caution against turning your home into a mausoleum, honoring at every
turn that ‘someone’ passed. Too much is too much.
I love the somewhat old fashioned ritual of toasting
‘absent friends’ at special occasions. I encourage this as it is a time honored
and genteel ritual.
CHAPTER
12
Coping with grief
As I have said before, expressing grief is in itself a
natural therapy. The irony of it all is that invoking happy memories of a dear
departed often times excites grief followed by tears. This state of emotion is
generally short lived and one feels relieved afterwards. Tears should never be
discouraged.
A funeral followed by a simple reception or wake is often
therapeutic to all involved and is an aid to bringing some measure of closure
to an unhappy event. It is however the aftermath of that event when all is said
and done, when everyone has gone to return to the normality of their lives,
that the nearest and dearest of the departed feel the most lonely and sad. The
Irish say death somewhat differently to most other people. When a person dies,
he is laid out on a table and people come from all over to enjoy the wake. They
sing and dance and eat and drink all they want. At some point they gather
around the deceased, all holding a ‘charged’ glass and drink to his health.
Curious. It’s the best party the deceased ever has and is not there to enjoy
it, despite the fact that he is probably paying for it. If he should appear to
share a ‘drop’, he would be drinking alone!
One of the finest priests I have ever encountered, is
Fr.Gavin Lock of St. James’ church in Bedfordview, East Rand, who is in my
opinion gifted in the field of death and condolence. He once likened life to a
balloon. Each of us at birth is ‘issued’ with a balloon filled with air. Some
of us get a balloon fit to burst, others with much smaller quantities of air.
As the balloons are released they float into the sky at various speeds dependant
on their air stock, and then succumb to the swirls and eddies of the wind, when,
in their own time, dependant on the tightness of the knot or string at their
opening, lose that life giving air and finally float to Earth. Each of us is
such a balloon. We know not what quantity of air we have, nor do we know the
rate of the leak, but we are duty bound by the laws of the Universe to make of
our time aloft the best we can, for ourselves and those around us, and by the
Grace of He that we hold responsible for our being, we shall accomplish to some
small measure, our destiny.
CHAPTER
13.
THE PURPOSE OF LIFE
The question that has befuddled the greatest minds, the
deepest thinkers, the most learned philosophers in history, remains in the main
unanswered. To my way of thinking, and please forgive my arrogance, the reason
is simplicity itself. We are put on the Earth to love and be loved. We are
charged with the task of learning and adapting to a changing world and to make
a positive difference, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant way that
may be. When it is ‘our time’, our only regret need be that your time was not
quite enough, but your joy should be that you had an honest ‘go’ at it. For
those who mourn your passing, who recall that you happened this way, they too
shall face their moment of transition from this phase to the next, and perhaps
they can take solace in the belief that as life passes in a blink of an eye, so
in whatever ethereal way is the grand design, your energy’s shall someday merge
in a wonderful togetherness of the one element of energy that cannot be quashed
and that is love itself.
‘Oh
death, where is your sting’ William Shakespeare. I quite
understand the sentiments of Marc Anthony as he spoke to the crowds in the
forum after the murder of Caesar by Brutus, Cassius and the rest. ‘My heart is in the coffin there with
Caesar, and I must pause till it come back to me’. We must all allow
ourselves pause to grieve, to console and for our hearts to come back to us.
CHAPTER
14
COPING WITH THE UNFORTUNATE DARK SIDE OF DEATH
In certain circumstances the Medical Examiner and/or the
Police may require a Post Mortem examination of the deceased. This may be as a
result of a questionable cause of death. This is a traumatic time for family
since such an examination always seems to be a violation on the remains of the
deceased. There is no way around this. There is simply no point in attempting
an objection. I can tell you that such an examination is undertaken by a
Pathologist and from all indications, due respect is shown to the deceased
during the process.
When the body is released to family, it is the next step
to engage a reputable Funeral Director to take possession of the body and
prepare it for final interment. It should be mentioned in the Last Will and
Testament what the deceased required in terms of final disposal of his remains.
This may be detailed or simple. Firstly the two fundamental options are burial
or cremation. Burial requires a grave site. One needs to know where, and if a
grave site is already purchased – again this should be detailed in the Will.
The Will may also detail what should be inscribed on the grave stone. If
cremation is the desire of the deceased, then there is the matter of where he
requires the ash to be scattered, or it is possible that that decision is left
to the family. Whatever the route, a reputable Funeral Service is a must,
practically and emotionally. Remember, there is no such thing as a cheap
disposal of mortal remains so, as I alluded to before, it is a good idea to
have an adequate insurance policy that covers this. It is well to know that
even a cremation requires a coffin, and they do not come cheap.
The Funeral Director will take care of most details and
will provide you with a file of all relevant documents including the Death
Certificate. Please know that this is a critically important document and you
would do well to have a number of copies made and notarized. You may require a
death notice in one or more Newspapers. The Funeral Director will assist you
with this.
CHAPTER
15
COPING WITH THE PREPARATION FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
Under normal circumstances, your death date and time is
an unknown detail, and thankfully so. Death though, as we all know is
inevitable so it is drastically important that at least from middle age, you
take the correct measures to draft your Last Will and Testament with the
assistance of a qualified legal expert in that field. Think carefully how you
would want your possessions however humble to be distributed. For the sake of
family members, make provision for the disposal of your remains by taking out
what is a remarkably cheap insurance policy, and lodge your Will in safe
professional hands. Most importantly, tell family members who that professional
is and who underwrites your funeral policy, the details of which should be
enclosed with your Will. The instructions contained in your Will regarding the
distribution of your worldly goods you may or may not wish to divulge before
your death. This is a very personal choice which I am hesitant to advise on.
Suffice to say, know that in most cases there are those left happy and others
disappointed. Think this question out, do what you have to then forget about it.
A footnote to the above is that in my opinion, try to avoid ‘ruling from the
grave’ by elaborate and complicated detail of disbursement. Simple is better.
There is a story told about the death of the Billionaire, Izzy Cohen. When the
family were gathered in the Solicitors office for the reading of the Will, the
lawyer began. “ To my daughter Rachel, I leave $10 million. To my eldest son
Heimie, I leave a further $10 million. To my two youngest sons, Aharon and
Betzalel all my business holdings, and to my cousin Menachem who said I would never remember him
in my Will,…… hello Menny!”
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown
earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head and listen to silence. To have
no yesterday, and no to-morrow and to forget time, to forgive life’ TO BE AT
PEACE.” Oscar Wilde. Mark Twain once
wrote, “The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated”
A detail that is often overlooked, or under-played or
simple avoided, is the realization that when you are gone, someone has to pick
up the pieces. It is vital you create a file (not a computer generated one)
that contains all relevant papers that would be needed in the event of your
death. These should include at least six photo copies of your Identity Document
duly notarized, either a copy of your Will or the contact details of who is
responsible for it. Any Life Insurance policies, Funeral policies, and other
such documents that are vital. Your car (s) registration documents would also
be helpful as well as title deeds to your home or, if applicable, mortgage
agreement documents. A list of your bank account numbers and any contact people
in this regard would be of critical importance. Any Fire-Arm licenses etc must
be included. If you have a safety deposit box, the details of it and the
whereabouts of the key should also be mentioned. Details of access to your
computer and cell phone are equally important. If you have ‘stashed’ valuables
somewhere for safe keeping in a place not above mentioned, this fact needs to
be recorded. Consider every possible thing that would be necessary and include
all that information in your file. Needless to say, that file has to be kept
perhaps firstly in an easy to carry briefcase, and secondly in a safe place,
and thirdly in a fire proof environment. Someone close to you has to know its
whereabouts.
CHAPTER
16
THE MEANING OF LIFE
Life is not pretentious, we are. Life promises nothing,
we expect everything. I am reminded of a passage I found in the bible that
reads, “Expect nothing more than the promised wage of the worker in the
vineyard”. Perhaps our expectations rise to greater things, but no truer words
have been spoken when one considers that life offers a return consistent with
our investment in it.
In my opinion, your greatest asset in life is your
friends. I believe the value of friends supersedes family with the exception of
those family members who are also your friends. Cherish them, get to really
know them, let them know you.
Leonardo da Vinci once wrote that if you place your hand
in a stream, you are touching the last of the water gone by, and the first of
the water yet to come. Such is life.
Finally, live your life; it can be a heck of a ride……if
you let it. Remember life begins with charity. ‘although we speak with the
tongues of men and angels, but are without charity we are nothing’. Jesus
Christ.
Conor O’Hagan Ward.
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
Born in 1953 in Durban, and educated at St Thomas More
College, Kloof, Conor O’Hagan Ward is by profession an hotelier having had
extensive experience in this field with the Southern Sun Group and then later,
self employed.
In the world of hospitality and tourism, somewhat
ironically, he was exposed to death in various forms. Being a bystander and
many times an active participant in recovery processes, at these traumatic
times as well as being actively involved in attempting to prevent death, Conor
realized how ill prepared we all really are to cope with this emotionally
charged event. After experiencing the emotional trauma of the pre-mature death
of his step-daughter and, later his parents, he decided to put into print a
booklet to assist the reader with what is ultimately the inevitable conclusion
of life. In writing this, Conor made a point of avoiding all research into this
subject, thus what the reader finds here is entirely a product of personal
experience and observations. He lives in the Champagne Valley, Kwa-Zulu Natal
together with his wife, Molly.
The
five stages of Grief by Elizabeth
Kubler – Ross
You will grieve forever.
You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one. You will
never learn to live with it.
You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the
loss you have suffered.
You will be whole again, but you will never be the same
again.
Nor should you be the same, or would you want to be.
A
PERSONAL NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
As
was said earlier, I made a point of avoiding any form of research in the
development of this material. It was important to me that this would not be a
work of Google, but a personally based narrative. This has been seven years in
the making. It is not ‘The End’ of my story, as it were – it can never be. As
time has gone by, snippets of thoughts and information cross my mind, as well
as events that added to my ‘take’ on the subject. If you consider that I
started this around 2012, and I write this final note in 2019, it was as
recently as a month ago where I found myself directly involved in the recovery
of the remains of a friend who died in tragic circumstances. I have for many
reasons, avoided alluding to this event though I learnt much from it. I wish any
reader of this narrative well in their endeavours to get a ‘grip’ on this very
real and inevitable subject, and reiterate what I have said before, ‘live your
life and strive to be happy’. As the Dalai Lama said, “You think there is
time”.
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